[This is a comic book script based on some DC comics fanart my artsy sister did. You can see them here and here]
[Newspaper Clippings] 'Justice League Prevails!', 'Wonder Woman Saves 32 in Disastrous 'Fire of the Century'', ''Tragedy befalls Nation', Wonder Woman shot in area other than her wrist', 'Founder of Pragmacorp awarded Spain's highest honor'
Marianne: She was so young...
Joseph: I just can't believe how involved she was in great aunt Diana's career.
Marianne: Didn't she talk about it?
Joseph [Uncomfortably]: Yes, all the time. Why?
Marianne: Anyway, I don't think you could call it a career exactly. I mean, she didn't really get paid for it, did she?
Joseph: Eventually...
Marianne: What's that you've found?
Joseph: Is it... The Wonder Woman costume?
Marianne: Don't call it a costume, it's not as if she was going out for Hallowe'en in it.
Joseph: Well it's not really a uniform either if she was the only one wearing it and no one told her to, now is it? Besides, I think it actually is a costume, but I just can't imagine aunt Emile keeping something like that in her house, she was much too sour faced about the whole thing.
Marianne: Look at the embroidery, if it's fake, someone put a lot of time into it. It looks like it's been worn out pretty well too... There's no way though, is there?
Joseph: Why wouldn't she mention something like this?
Marianne: Joseph. Didn't your aunt Emile write in her will that everything in the house belonged to you? So, I mean, in a way, she's passed this down to you.
Joseph: I don't know, I think she must have just forgotten she's had this. Look how deeply we had to dig just to get to these boxes.
Marianne: No, no. Listen to me. You don't just forget that you have something as iconic and important as Wonder Woman's actual outfit lying around. If she gave you what was in the house, it means she's passing them down to you. Joseph, do you understand what this means?
Joseph: It's an outfit now, is it?
Marianne: Now listen for a moment, would you? She handed this down to you. Look at these, her lasso of truth, her bracers, which probably also have a name... I think it's possible your aunt Emile gave this to you so you could take up the mantle yourself Joseph.
Joseph: No.
Marianne: 'No', you don't think it's a plausible theory?
Joseph: Just no. Put it away. I'll sell it or something, it's probably worth a fortune.
Marianne: Fine.
___________________________________________________________________________________
Joseph: I can't sell this, who am I kidding? Maybe I can just put it up in a glass case or something around the house. Yeah, that's right, with spotlights lighting it up, like a giant spandex shadow cast over my already horribly substance-less life. That's what I'd like and need... No, think...
Ad: WANTED: Is your life dull? Do you experience a blinding rage for injustice wherever it rears it's ugly head, only wishing you had more inner strength to overcome it? See me.
Joseph: That ought to do it.
_____________________________________________________________________________________
Birdgirl: Shit, I'll be noticed if I keep making noise like this
Birdgirl: Dr. Palumbo, your days of pulling teeth to get the information you want are numbered, and that number is one.
Birdgirl: Just gotta slip by desk staff. They don't know what he's up to. Can't drag civilians into things this time...
Birdgirl: Now, which room are you in today? Don't make me work for it, I can't spare the extra time
Dr. Palumbo: Stop fidgeting now, I'm going to need you to hold still for this next little bit, okay?
Patient: Please...
Birdgirl: Jackpot.
[Enter Birdgirl with electric drill]
Birdgirl: Prepare your cavities!
Dr. Palumbo: Twenty three minutes late this time.
Birdgirl: Too late to get a proper good morning, I guess
Dr. Palumbo: It's 1:23 in the afternoon
Birdgirl: I was picking up your dry cleaning, alright? Which is not part of my job description, by the way.
Dr. Palumbo: What is your job description again? [To the patient] Excuse us, please. [They leave]
Birdgirl: I'm your dental assistant
Dr. Palumbo: My unaccredited dental assistant.
Birdgirl: I have the courses I needed. You know they just screwed me over in the last semester with that stupid tooth project
Dr. Palumbo: [Inquisitive look]
Birdgirl: Well... Since I'm late, I better be extra productive now.
Dr. Palumbo: You know, this isn't the first time you've shown up late for work, or with a "headache". This week even. Why didn't you call, at least?
Birdgirl: If I called, you would ask where I was, and I didn't want to have to waste more time thinking of that.
Birdgirl: Okay, I'm sorry. You're right and I promise I won't be late again, so please, just lighten up a bit, okay?
Dr. Palumbo: ...
Birdgirl: I know we've been going through a rough patch lately, but I just wanted to-
Dr. Palumbo: Where is my dry cleaning anyway?
Birdgirl: Look, I know where you're getting at with all this, so why don't you just come out and say it instead of dancing around it all day?
Dr. Palumbo: Okay, well... Okay, sit down.
Birdgirl: W-Wait a minute now, you can't do this! This is our business, I put all my money into it-
Dr. Palumbo: You can still stay on as a partner, that's only fair. But a silent one, and you'll take a smaller percentage.
Birdgirl: You've been planning this...
Birdgirl: This is Angel Dentistry, I'm the angel! What are you going to be; the fat, balding angel whose own breath stinks?
Birdgirl: I'm sorry...
Dr. Palumbo: I need an assistant who I can rely on. I can't rely on you, so you're out. And if I were an angel, I would at least be able to fly.
Birdgirl: I wore signs for you...
[Birdgirl kicks the trash bin on her way out]
_____________________________________________________________________________________________
[Birdgirl sitting in her car and kicking her windshield]
[Birdgirl looking up at Joseph's ad while she's on the phone]
Birdgirl: Hi mom, can I please borrow some money?
Birdgirl: Hi Lena, would you perchance care to join me this evening in The Great Dance Hall for some sparkling crystal grape water?
Birdgirl: Yes, the disgusting one
_____________________________________________________________________________________________
Birdgirl: Bartender's kind of cute
Lena: We should slip some of that vodka into his water so he'll loosen up a bit and talk to us instead of tending to customers every five seconds
Birdgirl: Won't he taste it though?
_____________________________________________________________________________________________
Birdgirl [with pool cue]: If I get this one in, you have to- No. If I can hit the 6 and make it hit the 8 into the corner, you won't, you have to pay me fifty bucks
Lena: Won't you lose then?
Birdgirl [hitting a fat man in the head with a stray cue ball]: You could've at least *hiccup* turned a bit to get it in. A ha ha ha
Birdgirl: Ugh.
_____________________________________________________________________________________________
Lena: We should smash every one of these car windows ahaaaa
Birdgirl: Did I ever *hic* tell you how much I love you? Really, don't. Please MARRY me. Lenaaaa! I love you so much, don't ever leave me. You're happy, I'm happy.
_____________________________________________________________________________________________
[Birdgirl waking to Joseph's add highlighted and pinned to her wall, with a note attached to it]
Note: Appointment: 3:00!!! Be there.
Alarm clock: 2:34
Birdgirl: What? Where?
[Another note has the address, Hawkgirl rushes to leave]
Birdgirl: Bye Poirot
Poirot (a turtle): ...
_____________________________________________________________________________________________
Marianne: So you're just going to give it away?
Joseph: Well I can't very well be Wonder Woman, can I? It was given to me, so as you say, with fate and all, I think I should have the right to decide who gets it. Being part of the family, I have some insight into Diana too, so maybe I could work behind the scenes a bit, like a manager or something.
Marianne: What, like for a boxer or a pop star?
Joseph: Fighting crime isn't all about beating up bad guys, you know. You have to manage your image with the public, make sure you can make some money off of what you do, all sorts of things that are tangential to actually going out there and fighting. There is a lot to take care of outside of straightforward hero work.
Marianne: You want to make money off of it? But you don't want to sell the suit for money.
Joseph: Look, do you really want the person whose supposed to save you while you're dangling out the side of a building or something to be spending most of her time folding shirts or selling burgers? No, you want her to be preparing for that moment, and that takes money and budgeting.
Marianne: I suppose you're right.
Joseph: Time is money. Be realistic about it.
Marianne: Probably end up in the hands of some dusty old collector, even if you are just giving it away though.
Joseph: Well, that's the beauty of giving it away though, you get to choose whose hands it falls into
Marianne: And you're such a great judge of character...
[Enter Birdgirl]
Joseph: Jessica, have a seat. Please. I'll put on some tea for us. Or do you like coffee, maybe soda?
Birdgirl: Yeah, that's fine.
[Joseph leaves]
Marianne: I heard you left quite the inspiring message. You're already pretty experienced in facing off against injustice, by the sounds of it.
Birdgirl: W-what part did you like best about my message? Could you explain it to me?
[Enter Joseph]
Joseph: Here you are. I have to say [pointing towards his own imaginary wings], I'm impressed already. I only worry that I can't offer enough to help you, you know, battle evil and all that.
Joseph: Oh, I don't mean to assume based on appearances. I'm sure you could have lots of other things going on in your life. It's just, with your message, and now I see you have wings, the whole thing comes together to give me a very good impression of you.
Birdgirl: I aim to please.
Joseph: So, I don't think I've seen you on the news or anything, do you typically operate out of Canada or North America?
Birdgirl: Oh. Yeah. I try to keep a low profile, modesty is important if you want to stay sharp, and I just don't want the media getting to me is all. Ah he he he
Joseph: So I guess you just drop criminals off for the police to process them. You know, anonymously?
Birdgirl: Yeah.
Joseph: Amazing.
Birdgirl: So, I was wondering. I left you a message, so I wouldn't have gained any new knowledge. What... Was your ad for, exactly?
Joseph: Yes, that was a bit odd considering how enthusiastic you were... Right out of the gate like that and all
Joseph: But yes, I won't get into too many details right now, but basically I have Wonder Woman's dress... Outfit
Birdgirl: You what?!
Joseph: Her boots and lasso and everything. I'm looking to give it away to the right person. Someone who has the right morals and understands the weight of the responsibility.
Birdgirl: It's me. I mean, I am. To be the next Wonder Woman?! Lord, I can't breathe...
Birdgirl: I think I'm having a heart attack. Let me see the outfit... Before I die...
Joseph: Okay, wait here.
[Joseph exits, enters]
Joseph: So this is-
[Dress up sequence]
Birdgirl: Millions of slain Amazonian dissenters...
Birdgirl: None but the sun and stars face me as equals
Birdgirl: And even the moon, having turned it's glowing cheek to me, will come to fall beneath my foot in a meteoric fury
Birdgirl: As the decimated Phoenix falls only to time
Birdgirl: I serve Love and Glory and Peace in this world
Birdgirl: On an eternal battlefield sunken endlessly into the depths of the everlasting cold night.
Joseph: How did you... Get dressed in that so fast?
Birdgirl: I think it's kind of tight around the-
[Struggles]
Birdgirl: With the wings and all...
Joseph: Don't worry about that, we'll fix it after
Joseph: So I wanted to sit down with you and talk to you about your ethics in the world, your experience, plans for the future. You know, that sort of-
[Birdgirl captures Joseph with her lasso]
Birdgirl: What is your deepest and darkest secret?
Joseph: Not very professional at all so far.
Joseph: Wait a minute, why am I not being compelled to answer?
Birdgirl: Hm. Maybe it's fake?
Joseph: I don't mean to brag or anything, but I am Diana's... Wonder Woman's great nephew.
Birdgirl: That's not a brag, and I'm pretty sure that's not how you describe that relation
Joseph: Anyway, my point is that I think it's genuine.
Birdgirl [picking nose]: Maybe it only works with Amazon blood then. Try me.
Joseph: Okay, [Joseph lassos Birdgirl] what's your... Favourite colour?
[Birdgirl and Marianne make this face: -___-]
Joseph: Nothing?
Birdgirl: Well. With the leotard too. Maybe it's the sort of getup you need the whole ensemble for
Joseph: I don't know if I really feel comfortable doing something like that... It was my great Aunt's. I mean, she wore it, and she didn't really like men anyway. I don't want to steal her symbol for power or anything.
Marianne: Joseph, it's-
Joseph: Plus, it's girl's clothing, definitely made for women. Eh. It's too weird.
Marianne: Joseph, listen, alright? I know it may not be the most pleasant thing right now, but you want to know if the outfit is genuine, don't you?
Joseph: I don't know, it's too weird. I just don't know...
Marianne: Well if you really want to know if it's the real thing, you owe it to yourself to try everything possible to validate it.
Joseph: I'm... *sigh*
Joseph: Okay
[Joseph starts sliding the pantyhose on, gets halfway before stopping]
Joseph: I'm sorry, I can't. No, this is wrong and strange and I-I just can't do this-
Birdgirl: Don't climb down the diving board when you're about to jump!
Birdgirl: Wear the dress! Wear the dress! Wear the dress!
Birdgirl + Marianne: Wear the dress! Wear the dress!
Joseph: Fine...
[Joseph gets dressed up]
[Birdgirl snaps a picture]
[Joseph lassos the wrist that's holding the camera]
Joseph [All cool-like]: What's your favourite food?
Birdgirl: M&m's in milk. Like cereal.
Birdgirl: I'm lactose intolerant and it gives me horrible gas and sometimes I cry on the toilet because I hate myself for not being able to stop. I cry while I poop sometimes.
________________________________________________________________________________________
[Joseph is outside of a movie theater, dressed up as Wonder Woman]
Joseph: It's freezing out here
Joseph: I wish I had brought a coat.
[Memory: Marianne talking to Joseph through an open van door]
Marianne: Are you sure you don't want me to stay with you tonight? At least for a little bit
Joseph: No, that's okay. What am I gonna do if I come across something? You'll be right in the line of fire.
Marianne: Are you sure? I hate leaving you alone like this.
Joseph: It's alright. That's a job reserved for a sidekick anyway.
[/memory]
Joseph: God I wish I had a sidekick
Joseph: What am I supposed to do now, stand around and wait and hope that today is the one day I actually see a crime happening in front of me?
Joseph: What an awful thing to think. What's wrong with me?
[Dirty look from passerby]
Joseph: Yep, this is why I came out, now I remember.
Joseph: I wonder how they all started, were there literally crimes happening all around them?
Joseph: Maybe that's why I never took to that sort of heroic lifestyle. Years of living in the suburbs have made me soft. I probably couldn't even digest the food I found in the jungle.
Joseph: Marriane is a good friend, I should get her some of those miniature pizzas she likes.
[A group of men approach]
Stranger: Hey sweet cheeks ha ha! Nice outfit, you looking for something good tonight?
[The group laughs]
Stranger: I know when you're not patrolling the streets serving justice you'll have time for me.
[The stranger slaps Joseph in the butt. The group goes off, laughing]
Joseph: Animals.
[An old lady approaches]
Old Lady: Ooh! Are you excited for the Avengers too?
[Joseph glares]
_________________________________________________________________________________________
[Joseph lying in his bed, staring at the ceiling. Night]
Joseph: Well I'm glad that went horribly.
________________________________________________________________________________________
[Joseph getting on the bus in the morning, still dressed as Wonder Woman]
Joseph: Uhh, yes. A transfer please.
Joseph: No backing out of it now, you're in it for the long haul. This is your life now, so accept it.
Joseph: Danger could strike at any moment, you have to be ready. It's not like danger sets an appointment. 'Hi, this is danger calling, I was thinking about coming in tomorrow, but I'm not sure. Will you be in between the hours of 12 and 3pm?' No sir. It's unlikely that danger even works a job that demands he finish by 4.
Joseph: God, I sound like an insurance salesman. Maybe I should buy a wig.
[Bus stops]
Joseph: Okay, there's a coffee shop near here, I can get changed before going into work.
Joseph: I can go through the whole day like this, but I'm not letting my coworkers see me at the office wearing it. Maybe I could wear it under my clothes, take them off when trouble strikes
Joseph: No. That would be even more ridiculous
[Enter Simon]
Joseph: Oh hi Simon
[Simon standing in front of Joseph, staring and smiling]
Joseph: You're getting a coffee here, before work, because of course you are. What a reasonable thing to do.
Simon: You're coming into work like this. I don't care if I have to carry you by force.
Joseph: Actually, absolutely not?
[Simon takes a picture]
Joseph: Why is everyone taking pictures?!
Simon: A picture makes a scandal. Get dressed now and you'll have to deny physical proof
[They fight, Simon wins]
_________________________________________________________________________________________
[Joseph and Simon enter the office, Joseph is still dressed up as Wonder Woman]
Simon: It happened! It finally happened! I accept payments from lost bets in the form of cash, rolls of pennies, or untraceable stolen goods
Joseph: Lost bets? You won a bet about this?!
[Enter Sally, old coworker]
Sally: Don't let them get to you. I remember when I was your age, leaving for work with no chance of finding any of my other clothes. You know how it is. Ha ha ha!
Joseph: This is the worst thing that could've happened to me today.
_________________________________________________________________________________________
[Joseph on the bus, going home]
Joseph: That could've gone worse, I guess
Joseph: Still, I don't think I'm cut out for this. Just because I inherited this suit doesn't mean fate picked me out for it. Fate's idea might have very well been that I try it out for a day or two, then cast the idea off like an unwanted child, knowing certainly thereafter and as a result of the experience what I want out of life.
[Enter black teenager boarding the bus]
Bus driver: Hold on, let me see your transfer again
Kid: I already threw it out
Bus driver: I can't let you on without a transfer or fare
Joseph: I didn't even inherit the suit from Diana, possibly not even legitimately from aunt Emile.
Kid: What do you mean? I just showed it to you and threw it out in front of you. It's in the garbage now, probably on top if you want me to get it.
Joseph: And besides that, great aunt Diana was queen of a whole people. She was a part of the rainforest. She stood for something, she had values she saw the world through, values she would never give up.
Driver: No. How will I know if it’s yours or someone else’s? Look, if you want to ride the bus, you’ve gotta pay the fare, and next time show me your transfer clearly instead of just tossing it right away so you can run past me
Kid: I did show you!
Joseph: What do I have? Just an impostor playing dress up, really. The lasso works for me, so what? I’m too afraid to use it anyway.
Driver: $3.75. You’re not getting on unless you pay.
Kid: Man, this is ridiculous. I don’t have $3.75, all I have is ten cents left and I have to get home
Driver: That’s not my problem.
Joseph: Excuse me…
Driver: Uhh, yes?
Joseph: … Can you tell me what time this bus arrives at the city center?
Driver: Yeah, we’re leaving shortly
Driver: You need to leave so I can move this bus. Otherwise, I’m calling control and they’ll be down here to deal with it.
[Joseph walking away]
[Memory]
Birdgirl: Don’t climb down the diving board when you’re about to jump!
[/Memory]
[Joseph lassos the bus driver]
Joseph: Would you be harassing this kid so badly if he were white and showed you the pass as quickly as he had? Admit it, you racist!
Driver: The pass?! I don’t know. It’s hard to tell what kind of white person he’d be replaced with in your imaginary scenario. Does he have a tattoo of a dragon across his face? Is he kicking a dog?! I always wanted to get a tattoo when I was younger and I worry sometimes that living a life without decisions I was afraid I would regret has led to this place! That the biggest fear of loss and embarrassment I should have been concerned with was lost time! And embarrassing myself to myself for how small my dreams were! None of the consequences I could’ve imagined could’ve meant anything to me by now, but my caution does! So tell me, what am I supposed to do about it now?! But if you’re asking if my actions were racist, how can I tell? I am sure his transfer had ended earlier, but my certainty has increased the longer I’ve been arguing with him. Besides that, since he argued with me, I have to lay down the law! To make an example of him! As I feel vaguely threatened by him for challenging my projection of certainty when really I felt unsure of the accusation at first, and he seems to have seen through it. Through me! How am I supposed to react?! Am I racist? Part of me tells me I am, but that part is influenced by the feeling I have suddenly that I shouldn’t make that admission. And the other part is probably because I am! Am I bigoted? I make snap judgments about people often based on first impressions, and moreover I feel as though that’s a part of my job! I have felt fear walking past a group of black people for no good reason that I could ascertain, but can instincts be racist, or is it only behavior?! Was it racist to be afraid, or something else I had picked up on and attributed it to racism only because they were black, which in itself is a kind of racism? Either way, the more I say these thoughts out loud, the greater the doubt is that’s cast into the shadows of my soul. Maybe it’s true that the foundations of a lot of my beliefs and opinions and feeling and impressions have bigoted overtones so deeply embedded into them that I myself cannot see them, because I don’t have the introspective language or emotional fortitude to deconstruct all of these beliefs! I don’t know, but I fear I won’t be able to stop thinking of it now! So what am I to do?!
Joseph: I don’t really know how this lasso works…
[The End]
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